An ode to the dead spider(s)

Spin a web around me oh spider!
and yes make it a little wider,
rather make it of stones and brick,
and makes the walls very thick.

Don't leave any windows or a door,
fasten them tight, yes, a little more.
Leave no hole for sunlight to peep in,
and make my eyes roll and spin.

Let darkness spill and swim around,
and morrison's be the only sound.
Let silence deafen my soul,
and let abundance fill others soul.

Do dig a grave for me, a sombre one please,
I'll dig yours, we both would be at peace.
"Dead spider" your headstone would say,
"Dead meat" would be my essay!

"Adios mate, i killed you and your kin,
see these blood stains on my chin?
They are as much mine as they are yours,
so we had evenly settled scores!"

Ain't no use complaining,
"peace!"

prelude to the dead spider

"class, cross sectional study of anthers and pollination in flowers would be taught in the next class...note down the project for the month...you have to write about the process of... "

"school is over dude, lets push out."

i started the bike, he was on the pillion and i loathed him. why does he always tag along? just so that he gets a free ride and saves the money for his cigarettes? i have no issues-understandable but why does he keep his fucking mouth open? keeps talking shit...i hate those worms that seem to creep out of his mouth-smelly and ugly. eh...my sight is getting hazy, these clouds of mist, they always come out when i'm driving...i wish i could fly like those pelicans i saw in andman...free to go to the heights of the sky..."stop dude stop, where are you lost? slow down...slowww....."

thank god he got down...should i go to the hostel? yeah better i do.

"Hello...hello...hello...
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax..relax...relax
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts? "

light...this bloody light hurts...it always finds a way in...fucking curtains...they always leak. i will have to paint these window panes black. i would sure get blind if this window is not done soon...maybe i'd build a wall around it...concrete wall...i need more walls infact. eh...someones at the door..."whats it?...yeah,how much? i just have 600...would this do...alright, i'm sliding it out. no i'm not fucking anybody...just take it and leave." sucker. just because dad has enough money and i lend, they come to me...they only come when they need something...bike, money, books, cds, guitar...fuck...i need a wall to block this door too...i need a to build a fucking cubicle...raise walls all around, and then close the top. perfect! no light, no noise, nobody knocking, nobody shouting, nobody. these bastard make me feel that i exist...i don't...i don't want to...i don't need to.


"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what youre saying."

do i hear...yeah the fucking dogs again...this hostel has more dogs than people...they always keep barking...am tired of this noise...but maybe they are hungry...maybe urchins threw stones...me and these dogs...they don't lemme live in peace, they dont let the dogs live in peace. they are hungry...cookies...what shit i ate them all...what do i give them now...eh its good for them rather...let them starve and die...they should curse me...i bloody throw biscuits and bones and rest is their instinct! the fools salivate and pick them up...gobble the bones like turkeycocks and survive...survive to be hit and chased...the gatekeeper chases them everyday, infact everyone pelts stones and scares them away...they run wailing...but the fools, they come back again...why? why do they eat and keep living...they should starve and die...peace, absolvere! such a foolish creature, a dog. ha ha ha ha...did i say that...man what a joke...don't i do the same...just eat to live...to be chased by people...to be hit by stones...to be blinded by this fucking sunlight...eh what shit...i'm going mad...bloody loon...stop this man...no stop this...enough...no...what crap what ins..a..n...i....t............


"When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb."

is the song still playing...ya the whore it is...did i pass out? how long it has been? eh..i sometimes think i have got sick of pink floyd...they too are noise...bloody shit...exploding noise...they don't die out even when i pass out...but something is wrong...what happened to my hands...they are itching...did i spill anything...did anything bite? bloody hell, why can't this hostel have snakes?
hmm...its 11...i should go out and eat...

do anda parathe aur ek coffee....i'm still humming floyd! what whore...i want to forget everything...evrything i know...everything...floyd, zepplin, doors, cobain, dylan, farewell to arms...everything.bloody hell i keep remembering them..taking rounds inside...circles and circles and a deep vortex, flames. "saab coffee khatam ho gayi...chai?" le aao...food, bloody food again...the cycle of hunger...i can't survive it and i laugh at the dogs! if they know this, they would laugh at me...one more species onto the list...

"Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go."

12:30...its already the next day...time to leave...i need to get the tank filled...its a long ride tonight...the winds, eh they are bloody bitter...this bike too must have got sick of me...but who cares, i had the money to buy it, and it is my slave. money rules...one beutiful capitalist world it is...ha ha ha...see there, the man is shivering and he has no blanket...ha ha ha...this fucking world and people say they love it...eh...stop it man...no use...build a wall...time to leave now....

"There is no pain, you are receding.
"A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."

dead spider

Open your eyes- the spider is casting a web around your nostrils. The fine silk has now started to choke you. Wipe it clear. Pick up your bloody hand and smash that black ugly piece-don’t worry about the blood. I don’t know if their blood is red but it would be better if it is. Less of a mess, my blood always spills around so another red spider blood would just be fine. No trouble at all- it was red! Do I feel better? Yeah perhaps yes. But on second thoughts, do I ? I wish there was somebody around who could just keep a close watch on all the air coming in and going out and tell me if it got any better with one more smashed spider sticking out with the peeling paint on the wall. But I also wonder whether I am holding up air in m lungs. Have I been holding up since I stated breathing? What if I actually am? Maybe the lungs would burst the way those balloons went when I pricked them on my 10th birthday. Yeah. In fact that would be good too. The explosion might just clean all the paint and the plaster that keeps peeling off and falling every second. I have got sick of all this dust around. Maybe when the explosion brings them down I would get covered with dirt but I would take bath and clean myself. When did I last take bath? Let me remember…this is 2007. Last year was fucked up. I didn’t, I remember for sure. Maybe the year before that, I had a bath. But I don’t think I cleaned myself that time too. What fucking shit, lemme check the notebook- Ah! What bullshit. It just reads 1987,88,89,90,91,92,93,94,95,96,98,99 and 2002. it has really been long! Let me scratch my skin and check- where is the blade? Whore! I lost it! What did I last use it for? Yeah yeah…I cut that rat into small pieces…I remember. Man! I can still remember things! Okay, enough celebrations, I need to find the blade. What did I do of the rat parts? I think put them under the mattress-that’s where I put things. Lemme check. Yeah there they are…goddamn these fleas-where do they come from…my lord! So many of them! Haah! Where is the blade…there! I got it! Good work dog! Yeah so lemme get back to work, such an important task and I am already running late. Yeah where should I start…face? No man, then how would I see what happened the mirror is lying to far away. Thighs? Nah, too much of hair down there- arm would be good. Hmm…how should I start, backwards or forwards? Is the blade good enough to work? Eh..this bloody dead spider, what does he want now? He lost his life, he must be happy somewhere up there, why isn’t he just letting me rot? Bloody dead spider, thinks too big of itself just because he has had got rid of the gnats and the fleas? Chuck it man the blade is good enough, lemme just drown this spider and make sure he dies if he still hasn,t. Water- I need water. The tap in not running, what crap, there is no water? Eh what do I do of this shit man? Eh nothing goes right here. The vein on my wrist is laughing? Why? Because it has more fluid than I have water at my disposal? What a fuck man. Let me drain some and join the spider there, its all over now. The blade is good enough and this spider shit would drown too…yeah, right.